No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

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No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 1:07 pm

No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!


No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin. AIDS WARNING!

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV(Hair is Vanishing)
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:14 pm


The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from Nuh Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales and lies begins...

Dinis the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'


Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'



Dusty, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:14 pm


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ...keep scrolling down














Fasting is good for your health

&

may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind...
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:17 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see a million stars.''

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning...
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo dung. It mean someone stole the tent!!!'
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:18 pm

The problems with political jokes are:
1. The politicians don't think they are funny.
2. The people don't think they are jokes.
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:23 pm

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to Turn red.



One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.



The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"



The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from Blushing so much."




Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work.



So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.




One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"



"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:06 pm

Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, "I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years." The genie snapped his fingers and said, "Done."
The Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, "Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out.
So the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems.
The Newfie stepped up and said, "Ok, it's a mile high and a mile thick, and no one can get in or out right?"
"Correct." said the genie.
"Fill it with water."
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:06 pm

A French speaking cop comes across the scene of a horrific motorcycle accident on the highway shortly after transferring to the OPP. Despite his difficulties with the English language, he was determined to fill out the accident report flawlessly.

Walking along, he noted the poor bastards arm on the side of the road. “Arm” he said aloud to sound it out, “ in the ditch. D-I-T-C-H.

Walking further he came across a foot on the side of the road. “Foot in the ditch. D-I-T-C-H.”

Finally he came across the poor guy’s head. It was lying in the middle of the road. On the asphalt.

He stopped and pondered this.

A quick look around and a swift kick later, “Head. In the ditch. D-I-T-C-H.”
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:07 pm

A customer stops a clerk and says "where is the Polish sausage?" clerk, "are you Polish?"
customer, "why would you ask me that, because you are racist?"
clerk "no sir, it's because this is Home Depot".
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:07 pm

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you.""Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!"
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:09 pm

Three men die and go to heaven.
When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!"
St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times."
He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face.
Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:09 pm

What's green and carries a whip???



(scroll down)




















Kermit the Flog.
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:11 pm

When Aloytious Theriot was a youngster he asked his ninety-four year old uncle how the old man managed to live so long.
"Every day," his uncle said, "you have to start breakfast with an omelette sprinkled liberally with gunpowder. Don't be stingy with it and you will live a long healthy life.
Accordingly, Aloytious had a gunpowder omelet every day until he died at the age of ninety-six. He left behind ten children, twenty-three grandchildren, fifty-one great grandchildren, and an eighty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:13 pm

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds"?
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:13 pm

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:14 pm

Two brothers, Ying and Yang, wandering down a street in America with arms full of purchases and cameras swinging from their necks, one of the brothers slips into the bank to exchange 30,000 yen into dollars.
Ying: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar, how much I get?'
Teller: 'Oh, you will get $8000.'
Ying: ‘Fank you very much.'
Teller: 'You're welcome,' and hands Ying the $8000.
Ying and Yang carry on doing copious amounts of shopping until Yang says he is a little low on local currency.
So Ying told Yang to go to the same bank and get a good deal. So off Yang goes.
Yang: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar. Now much I get?'
Teller: 'Oh, you will get $6000. '
Yang: 'Only $6000! But how come my broffer, just a few hour ago, get $8000?'
Teller: 'Fluctuations.'
Yang: 'Well, fluck you Yankees too!'
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:15 pm

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish and not wishing to appear out of place they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or knelt down, they did the same.
At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter.
"Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism and would the father of the child please stand up."
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:20 pm

After a big fight a woman cut her husband pecker and throw it out the window
The piece fall on the windshield of a car,where a father and his 6 years old daughter are.
The girl ask what it was.
Embarasse the father said "Hmm it was a mosquito"
The girl then say "f*ck it has a big d*ck"
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:20 pm

The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in. The collie says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me. So the bulldog goes ''I love liver and cheese'' The collie says ''Not good enough'' The doberman says ''I hate liver and cheese'' The collie goes, ''Not creative enough'' Then the chihuahua dog says, ''Liver alone, cheese mine.''
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 9:43 pm

There is a lot of truth here. Think about it. While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Dalton Mc Guinty and his role as our premier of Ontario

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Dalton Mc Guinty is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
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Re: No NURSING HOME FOR US!!!

Post by retired2 on Sat Aug 18, 2012 9:45 pm

WHY WE MISS ROGER DANGERFIELD

=======================







Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

Some days everything goes wrong. I put on my shirt, the button falls off. I pick up my briefcase, the handle falls off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!

When I was a kid I couldn't play in the sandbox. The cat kept trying to cover me up.

I got lost at the mall and asked a cop if I would ever find my parents. "I don't know kid," he said. "There's so many places they can hide."

MY FAVOURITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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