drinking and driving

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TAXI


I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

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I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.


I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu or that kind of shit ?"


He says "No ! Why da fruck you ask me dat ? You racist ? Is just because I Chinee man "?


"No", I say, "It's because it’s MY beer that you are drinking you little p****, I need to know before I start to kick your ass ".

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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.

I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

And I took a few leaks behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an Outdoors man!"

"Actually, I'm not," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".

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How to wash a cat

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

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Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman


Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign:

'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world'.

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"I won First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: 'Contest for the strongest man in the world'.

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won First Place too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: 'Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?'

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Dalton McGuinty?" asked Pinocchio.

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Absolutely Priceless!!!!





A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1.


Don't change horses


until they stop running.

2.


Strike while the


bug is close.

3.


It's always darkest before


Daylight Saving Time.

4.


Never underestimate the power of


termites.

5.


You can lead a horse to water but


how?

6.


Don't bite the hand that


looks dirty.

7.


No news is


impossible.

8.


A miss is as good as a


Mr.

9.


You can't teach an old dog new


math.

10.


If you lie down with dogs, you'll


stink in the morning.

11.


Love all, trust


me.

12.


The pen is mightier than the


pigs.

13.


An idle mind is


the best way to relax.

14.


Where there's smoke there's


pollution.

15.


Happy the bride who


gets all the presents.

16.


A penny saved is


not much.

17.


Two's company, three's


the Musketeers.

18.


Don't put off till tomorrow what


you put on to go to bed.

19.


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and


you have to blow your nose.

20.


There are none so blind as


Stevie Wonder.

21.


Children should be seen and not


spanked or grounded.

22.


If at first you don't succeed


get new batteries.

23.


You get out of something only what you


see in the picture on the box.

24.


When the blind lead the blind


get out of the way.

25.


A bird in the hand


is going to poop on you.



And the WINNER and last one!

26.


Better late than


pregnant.

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