Did you hear

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Did you hear about the guy who had a map of
Canada tattooed on his butt?
Every time he sits down Quebec separates..

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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera. (I JUST LOVE THIS ONE)
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
8.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE'S THE FITTING ROOM.

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SEX AT 72

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me
that I can have SEX at 72.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 70.
It's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't have to cross the road!

Life is good!!!

Sex is Better!!!!!

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WARNING "EBAY"


If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"

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Alberta vs Ontario

The Premier of Ontario is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Premier's dog, then bites the Premier.
The Premier starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control .. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the Province $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
The Premier goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Premier spends $50,000 in Provincial funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The Provincial Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Premier's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The Province spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the Province.


ALBERTA
Premier Alison Redford is jogging with her dog along a nature trail.
A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
The Premier's security agent shoots the coyote and keeps jogging.
The Premier has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The Crows eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why ONTARIO is broke and ALBERTA is not.

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