Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery



Things you don't want to hear during surgery.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

- Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Darn, there go the lights again...

- You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

- Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.

- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

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A Touching Golf Story

Jake stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking you so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,'

Vic explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!'

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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!



His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.





Anyway… he's looking for a place to live.

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BEST SHORT JOKE OF THE YEAR


A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 10 year old daughter says, " I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down
shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells
him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the
shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says, 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well,
I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured
that a dog would be eavesdropping.'





'I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in.



I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?

This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter.

He's never been out of the yard'

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GRANDMAS ARE SMART
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.

"Why?" my grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good" I replied.

At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh...I get it! He beamed, so if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

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Sex and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[growler]

'Talking Dog For Sale'

i've read that before but still love it !

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
i told my bride to quit sayinng that,but she wouldn't listen !

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