Irish Christening

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[size=32]Irish Christening [/size]

 

 
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.  After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.  The babies are fine now, however they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately.  Your brother came in and named them.

 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother.   He's a clueless, gobshite!"

 
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

 
"Denise," says the doctor.

 
The new mother is somewhat relieved.  "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my
Brother; I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

 
"Denephew."

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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb Derby County supporting blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.' She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. .She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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CARP -   Canadian Association of Retired People                                                                         Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q:    Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?	A:    Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:    What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?	A:    Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:    Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?	A:    Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:    How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?	A:    Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:    How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	A:    Take off your glasses.
Q:    Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	A:    Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q:    Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking?	A:    Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:    Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?	A:    Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q:    As people age, do they sleep more soundly?	A:    Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:    Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?	A:    On their foreheads.
Q:    What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?	A:    "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

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