HANDICAP PARKING

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THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!!!

  HANDICAP PARKING

   Today I had to go to Lowe's. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
     I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
     The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not  handicapped!"
     Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
     "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your 'I'm Ready for Hillary' bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder."
     She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
     Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!   

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The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."





Mr. Jones goes into his doctor's office.

The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

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Anniversary
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

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A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee.
The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet.
 
Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f~cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." 
                               
One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" 
                               
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 66. 

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I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.


Her boy kept looking around and making weird funny faces at me.

After a few minutes I tired of his antics so I said,
"When I was a young boy my mother told me that if I made an ugly face it just might stay that way."

The little bastard replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

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