“Sunburn Therapy”

[rbw]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,

specifically to his upper legs.

He went to hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed

continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.


The nurse was rather astounded and she asked,

"What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?" The doctor replied,

"Absolutely nothing for his condition but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

[retired2]

Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after

not seeing one another for some time. After

inquiring about each other's health, one asked

how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the

garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a

heart attack and dropped down dead right there

in the middle of the vegetable patch!"



"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend

"What did you do?"



"Opened a can of peas instead."

[retired2]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

[retired2]

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the fuck I am now...

[retired2]

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'


If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

AND...


Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[retired2]

A woman in a supermarket is watching a grandfather and his badly-behaved

3-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for

sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and

pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, the grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,

"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay, William,

just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and the grandfather

says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax, buddy, don't get upset.

We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and

the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you

were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure,

and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little shit's name is Kevin."

[retired2]

[retired2]

I've Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who have to work to earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~


My dog is a Canadian Senator!

[retired2]

[retired2]

The Jew in the bar

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear:-
'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big
Smile, waves at him, then says:- 'thank you', in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to
Smile, and again yells:- 'thank you'.

The Arab asks the bartender:- 'what is the matter with that guy? I've
Ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he
Does is smile and thank me'.

The bartender replies:-. 'he owns the place'

[retired2]

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