"Your Honor, I'm guilty but

[retired2]

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but ... there were extenuating circumstances."



The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."



I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.



"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.



With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"



"Fine," I answered.



I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!



Complete darkness, the power was off!



Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.



Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."



Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!



After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."



"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store



Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"



And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain herself as she said "Case Dismissed!'

[retired2]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS



One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
The pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on
the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well,
son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[retired2]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player
who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

[retired2]

I feel better after reading this . . .

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . Scientists believe people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline . The brains of older people do not get weak.... On the contrary, they simply know more .

Also, older people often go into another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .

SO THERE!!

[retired2]

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor,
"Where should I put my
pants?"

"Over there by
mine,"
was not the answer I was
looking for.

[retired2]

Best definition of Obama Care

Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”



A Doctor called-in to a radio show and said:
"that's the definition of a stool sample".

[retired2]

Gardening with Grandma





A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.



Happy Gardening.



(This is too funny not to share!)



Don't mess with a Senior Citizen !

[retired2]

A little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered:

"God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so
all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered:

"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."


The confused girl returned to her father and said,

"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and
Mom said they developed from monkeys?"


The father answered: "It is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and
your mother told you about hers."

[retired2]

A FEW MUSINGS FROM “THE HOME”


1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.


4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.



7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the
Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.



9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[retired2]

GOOD ADVISE NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU LIVE IN.

KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?



Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now...what is the moral to this story?


The moral is...



If you don't let a woman have her own way...

Things are going to get real ugly!!!

[retired2]

L exophilia
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

[retired2]

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.



They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
?

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?
?


Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom


Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone



Abba---
Denture Queen

"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall


Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore


Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To


And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

[retired2]

No sex after surgery . .

· A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.




· A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[retired2]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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