50 years together

[retired2]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. “Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we’re
all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom look great,
Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I’m
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “there’s something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "you mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
===========================================
JESUS HAVING A PINT

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at
another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another.

When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the
hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had
all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying
to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, "Leave me alone, I'm on Workers Compensation!"

[retired2]

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he
thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet
and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what
their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

[retired2]

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead

[retired2]

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have
No blood pumping through them. They can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo it. . .we're just saying. . .
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea . Just kidding!
They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback, That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors, I feel your pain. No one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman, What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming, You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone, Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall, Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die.
CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash, At least you get picked up.
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

[retired2]

Hello... I have a question! ( from Maxine


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of

five enjoys it?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just

stale bread to begin with?



If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't

people from Holland called Holes?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who

drives a racecar is not called a racist?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the

others here for?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow

that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,

models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks'?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and

forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we

supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the

postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two

words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

[observer]

Really enjoyed the special messages: "Dear..."

[retired2]

Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I'm paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

[retired2]

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN


For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents

.

And thanks for the memories.







I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.





Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.







ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill.'



ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs

pressing.'



ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the

cake.'



ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact , I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.'



ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER,

BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'



ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home,

'Passover'.



ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'



ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'



ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR

HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you

have an eight pound ham.



ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL

GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to

fight it.'



ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on

another brother.'



ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'



ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the

audience threw at me.'



ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter

on a technicality.'







Give me a sense of humor Lord Buddha, the grace to see a joke, and the

generosity to pass it on to others.

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