Finally got t job

[retired2]

Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.

Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"

The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"

I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[retired2]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


************************************************** ****************
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

********************************************
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[retired2]

Bends bar with groin, oh yes he does

http://www.torontosun.com/2013/01/07/skater-bends-bar-with-groin

[kishgo]

These jokes broke us up!! Broke us up laughing that is!

[retired2]

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks, "What's wrong?"

The boy says, "Me ma is dead."

"Oh bejaysus," the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"

The boy replies, “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

[retired2]

Sick Jokes.....

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!




The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.





I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.





After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”





I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.





Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.





The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"





My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”





A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.





I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[retired2]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.



There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:





To: John Hinckley
From Mrs. Nancy Reagan


My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.



We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.



Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family



P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[retired2]

[Sponsored content]