Newfie Hooker

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Newfie Hooker


A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows



'Twenty dollars' she whispers


Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes..



They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them It is a police officer.



'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.


'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.



'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'



'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Kentucky Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm Okay. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while
praying for a fish.
-Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and
they had the land.
-Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes
that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
-David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
-Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
-Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
-Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
- Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
- Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
-Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea. WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
- Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
- Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a
Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
- Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
- Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of
this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
- John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what
happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
- Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
-Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
-Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
-Robert Benchley

[retired2]

Rum & Coke


A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[retired2]

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