Why wives shouldn't go hunting!

[retired2]

Why wives shouldn't go hunting!


It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go
bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a
cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,
fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to
take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San
Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her,"If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon
as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag
an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have
your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[retired2]

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath..
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He breathlessly struggles to ask again,
'Can you check Nurse, are my
testiclesblack?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
Justwonderful, but listen
very, very carefully.....
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?

[retired2]

10: Thermometers

"Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

9: Pepper Spray

"May irritate eyes."

8: Dishwashers

"Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

7: Irons

"Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
(also, never answer an iron)

6: Fireplaces

"Caution - Risk of Fire."

5: Food Processors

"Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating."

4: Sunshields

"Do not drive with sunshield in place."

3: Scooters

"This product moves when used."

2: Power Tools


You head to the garage to work on a project and are bombarded with product warnings! Your rotary tool warns you, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." Your chainsaw cautions you, "Do not hold the wrong end of the chainsaw" and "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands."


Before you leave the garage to get away from all this peril, you notice your Jet Ski bears the message: "Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level." But perhaps most ominous of all, the little tractor you drive to move large loads bears the succinct advice: "Avoid Death." Yikes! Says it all right there.


1: Baby Strollers

"Remove child before folding."

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