ADVICE FROM JOHN

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ADVICE FROM JOHN - A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Patricia to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



EDITOR'S NOTE:
John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Jim died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
‘Well, I’m sure Jim would be pleased,’ she said.

‘I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
’How much did this really cost?’

’All of it,’ said Sharon . ‘Forty thousand.’

’No!’ Brenda exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?’

Sharon answered, ‘The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.’

Brenda computed quickly. ‘$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?’

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Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland / Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road..

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"

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