A touching story

[retired2]

A touching story on how men think....................

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[retired2]

A SHORT BEDTIME STORY


The End....

[retired2]

One Sunday morning,

a priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach..
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'


Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

[retired2]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.




My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.





The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...




I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.




I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'




If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.




We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[retired2]

[retired2]

Today’s Inspirational Lesson


Thou shalt never irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe.




Thus endeth the lesson.

[retired2]

[retired2]

Eye test




IF YOU DO NOT SEE TWO PIGS AND
A PIGLET, THEN YOU URGENTLY NEED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR OPTOMETRIST!

[retired2]

Oldie but I had to pass it on.

Brings a tear to my eye.







Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny

long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to

naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain

Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and

banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato

chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he

was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he

had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[Sponsored content]