Touching Christmas Story

[retired2]

Touching Christmas Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious Christmas dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those people at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[retired2]

Sign in Doctor's Office
I'm sure that you have seen
Pharmaceutical advertising in
Doctor's' offices on everything
From tissues to note pads. This one should get First prize...
[]
I emailed it to my Japanese doctor friend;
He emailed back:
"If light stay on more than 4 hour,
Call erectrician.

[retired2]

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and
said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land
of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full
of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass
and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy
beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so
as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants
Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the
earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being
too generous to these Canadians??"
"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the
winters I am going to give them!"

[retired2]

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!




Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: your left or my left?

***************************




Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

***************************




Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

***************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

***************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

***************************

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

***************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

***************************Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

***************************

This one and the next are our personal favorites!

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

***************************

And last but not least!

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[retired2]

Now for your morning history lesson. With the olympics drawing near I thought this would be appropriate



A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pr*cks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

You're very welcome..

[retired2]

Golf Poem


In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled...Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.


By Its Size I Could Not Guess

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.


My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.


It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.


To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.


It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.


With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.


It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year.


Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon!


Kinda makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. .. .
Eat your heart out. Prius

[retired2]

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.




After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.




Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.




Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.




The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'




The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.




'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.




'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.




'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'




'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'




She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.




'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.




'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'




Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man




'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.




Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man,




Jennifer posed the same question.




Old Jarge (from Krinkle Cove, Newfoundland) replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'




'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...




'Oh sure', said Old Jarge. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,




I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,




I had already s--t my pants.'




Old Jarge is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!




You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

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