Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up jokes

[retired2]

Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up jokes


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> Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up Jokes
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> With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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> I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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> I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
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> What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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> Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
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> I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
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> Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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> When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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> I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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> I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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> Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
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> With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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> What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
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> Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
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> I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
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> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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> I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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> One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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> I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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> My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
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> When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
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> I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
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> I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
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> My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
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> My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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> My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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> My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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> My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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> Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
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> I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
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> One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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> This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
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> I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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> My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
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> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
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> When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
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> I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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> One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
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> I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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> My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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> Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
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> I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
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> When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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> I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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> One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
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> I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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> I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
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> My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
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> I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
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> When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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> And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
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> My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
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> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
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> A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
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> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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> I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
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> If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
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> I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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> I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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> I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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> During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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> My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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> I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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> I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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> What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
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> What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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> What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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> I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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> Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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> My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
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> I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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> My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
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> One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
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> Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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> It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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> Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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> For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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> This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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> A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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> I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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> My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
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> Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
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> I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
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> My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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> My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
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> My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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> My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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> My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.