Turning 40 Jokes

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Very Usable Turning 40 Jokes


All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.


"Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
"No, only little babies."


A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her 40th birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"


"I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."
"How do you know?"
"You're still here!"


At 40, you get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.


At 40, before crossing a room you look both ways.


At 40, every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.


At 40, you suffer from Clue Deficit Disorder.


At 40, I realize that I was built for comfort, not speed.


"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"


Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?
Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.


Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."


Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.


Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!


When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!


At 40, your idea of weight lifting is standing up.


At 40, you sing along with the elevator music.


At 40, conversations with people your own age often become a duel of ailments.


At 40, if you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.


At 40, it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.


"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."


Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.


Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!


"My birthday's coming"
Do you know what I need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"


“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake”. - Bob Hope


Getting old sucks, but it sure beats the alternative.

I'm not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience!

My own mortality will be the death of me yet.

Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Don't take life so seriously, it's not permanent.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

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The wisdom of old

And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!

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Once there was a man with an e...
Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

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Getting my Wish...


I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

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Why I Called Him Honey...........


Honey

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a$$hole what his name is.”

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A young couple is on their hon
A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make."She says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

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Sex In The Shower

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!


In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eyes.

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An Irishman's First Drink With His Daughter
I was reading an article last night about fathers and Daughters, and memories came flooding back of
the time I took my Daughter out for her first drink
Off we went to our local Pub, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness Stout. She didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got her an Old Style - she didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, whatdoes a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.

Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

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An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says, without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

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Heaven
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

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I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.





The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.





She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.





The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'





Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.





The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.





On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10

lbs. as promised.





I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.





The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.





She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her

neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.







Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.





This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So

for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually

getting in better and better shape.





Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover

that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.





So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the

7-day/50 pound program.





"Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most

rigorous program."





"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."





The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a

huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,...

you're mine."







I lost 63 pounds that week.

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