weekend jokes

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> A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
> A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
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> Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.
> ...
> The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum.
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> He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place."

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Car Trouble
Date of Joke: Monday, 21st October, 2013
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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GRANDMA IN COURT


Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,

you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people

and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."




The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?
"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley

since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.



"The defence attorney almost died.




The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench

and, in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you idiots
asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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CANADA POST RECALL

Canada Post has created a new stamp with a picture of Prime
Minister Stephen Harper on it.

The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the Prime
Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending $4.1 million, a special
commission has presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. The Public is spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Sponsored content]