They don't like that in Heaven

[retired2]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Ikea either!"

[retired2]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," she said and pulled out a packet from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[retired2]

Lettuce,Whores and Hockey Players ...

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?'the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[retired2]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the Newscaster says: "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."



The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were Skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."



After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says; "How many is a Brazilian

[retired2]

Sometimes, after playing, golf I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.

Then, I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams ..... if I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Winston Churchill



"When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading."
Paul Horning



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry


BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields



Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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