Seniors' Night

[observer]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch.

Then, suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S _ _ T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[observer]

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
You are going to die anyway, so live life...... and don't worry so much.


Artery................................ The study of paintings
Bacteria........................... Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic................................. A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate................................ To live long
Enema............................ Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent.......................... Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................... I knew it
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... Dang near killed him
Secretion........................ Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet............................ A small table
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine.............................. Opposite of mine

[retired2]

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,




The Flu

[retired2]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies.
'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?'
asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite, and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!!!! AISLE 7

[retired2]

incomplete

[retired2]

The Baptist Church Dinner



Subject: The Baptist Church Dinner

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of
the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to
outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,
but because the mushrooms were so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them, and they're OK."

So Janet decided to give it a try. The next morning she picked a bunch,
cleaned and sliced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on
the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol'
Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal that evening was a great success. Janet had even hired a lady
from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they
relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics. Finally, she calmed down enough to call the doctor and tell him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.
We'll give everyone enemas, and we?l pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep everyone calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the
road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all sitting around the living room, looking pretty weak, when
the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that
fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped

[observer]

LOL on Spot!

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