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Strip Club Regular

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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:13 pm

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.

The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:14 pm

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:15 pm

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."

The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.

"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.

"Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"

"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:16 pm

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:18 pm

A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.

Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"

The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:19 pm

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.

"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."

Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
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Post by retired2 Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:22 pm

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.

The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."
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Post by Rick Wisson Wed Sep 10, 2014 6:31 pm

Keep em coming.
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Post by Rick Wisson Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:07 am

Lawyer and CEO


>>> The lawyer says:
>>>
>>> "I have some good news and bad news"
>>>
>>> The CEO replies:
>>>
>>> "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
>>>
>>> The lawyer says:
>>>
>>> "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are now worth a
>>> minimum of $2 million ......"
>>>
>>> The CEO replies enthusiastically:
>>>
>>> "Well done, very good news indeed ! You've made my day; now what is
>>> the bad news?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The lawyer answers:
>>>
>>> "These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."


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Post by Rick Wisson Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:09 am

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the fxxx I am now...
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Post by rbw Thu Sep 11, 2014 5:27 pm




LOL... cheers ...
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Post by Rick Wisson Thu Sep 11, 2014 6:48 pm

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired







At Job interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"


Old man: "Honesty."



Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."



Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."


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