Strange Little Known Golf Quotes

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Strange Little Known Golf Quotes
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
A hungry dog hunts best.. ~ Lee Trevino
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. ~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the
American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge
and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different
games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both
of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

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A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A
store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk
says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that
in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He
says, "Lard ass

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Yearly physical

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so
I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down
several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks"
behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors
man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shity golfer.

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Irrefutable proof that a
good woman can bring balance and stability to your
life.

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Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish.

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