A Blonde's Year in Review

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A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!.......bottles won't fit in printer!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours...
Power went out!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it?

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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Man With No Enemies



Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as

to be this kind of old man!


Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Pastor asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?


80% held up their hands.

The Pastor then repeated his question.


All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes,

who attended church only when the weather was bad.


"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.

It's good to see you here today.

Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.


"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. "How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied.


The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and

tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not

have an enemy in the world?"


The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the

pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.



"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Yes,unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

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Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.


I had that done when I was four.


They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.



It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.


"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.



Couldn't walk for a year."

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