Start the weekend with a smile

[retired2]

Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........ no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!


On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative.
The more The Success,
The more The Relatives.


My Grandfather Is Eighty
And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....


Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.


Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You Sleep Alone


The Surest Sign That intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber Shop:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..


Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Personally Been Passed By Management.

[retired2]

Night Before Christmas!!




'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch,

The pond was frozeover & so was the branch.

The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.

The kids were all home on vacation from school,

And happier young folks you never did see-

Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.

Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,


There came a surprise that gave them a shock!

The power went off, the TV went dead!

When Grandpa came in from out in the shed

With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.

"Just what I expected," they heard him remark:

"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.

Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."

"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,

And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."

The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.

Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,

Uncased his old fiddle & started to play

That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.

Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew

Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.

They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"

Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.

They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,

And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.

They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,

The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.

Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;

And when the kids wakened, the power was on..

"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"

Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.

Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,

He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!


-anonymous

[retired2]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee
elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to
feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to
visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the
elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'


And thus began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

[retired2]

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

cid:X.MA2.1367075571@aol.com

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans .. flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?’

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat there sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked,
"Are you a really real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

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