Your smile for the day

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH


Your smile for the day

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" He asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[retired2]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:



"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:



"Pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer completely screwed up now."

[retired2]

Sound on !




Check out the new sobriety test .... click below.

http://video.staged.com/preacher/alcohol_test

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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this... dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

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A successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined.

When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the stockbroker.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!"

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John's parents came home from shopping to find John industrially polishing a Porshe in the driveway. They got out of their car in disbelief. "What's going on?" asked his father.

"It's all right, Dad. I own this car; it's all legal and everything."

"You're only 18. You don't have enough money to buy a Porshe."

"Well, let me explain what happened. I was coming back from Dave's house when I walked by this lady's house. The Porshe was in the driveway and she was looking at it. She saw me, and asked me if I wanted to own it. I said, sure, but I didn't have any money. She asked my how much I had in my pocket. So I looked, and told her I had $27. She said she would sell it to me for $20. So we went into her house and she made out a bill of sale and gave me the keys. Here's the bill of sale."

John's father looked at it. It seemed correct, but something was clearly out of place.

"Get in the car, John. Let's go to that house and get an explanation."

They arrived at the house in question just as an attractive woman in her mid forties was getting out of a Lexus. "Excuse me", said John's father, "but did you just sell my son a Porshe for $20?"

"Yes, I did.", was the reply. "Two weeks ago my husband ran off with his secretary. That Porshe was his pride and joy. Earlier today he e-mailed me from Hawaii and asked me to sell it and send him the money.

I just got back from the wire depot."

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Why Rolls Royce owners are smarter and richer than Porsche owners:

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

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A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
...
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk

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Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth".

Then he made the earth round... and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
and a MerryChristmas to all

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

[gale force]

Thanks R2 again for my laugh of the day!

[growler]

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