Paddy Stuff..

[retired2]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."



A coach load of paddy’s on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52!!!



Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take-off it's shell to reduce it's weight and to make it more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."



Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says "Wait ‘til I’ve taken it out of the water!”.



Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.
It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.



Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did write in the ad?” his wife asks.
"Here Boy!" he replies.



Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".



An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat?"
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".