Paddy and Mick

[retired2]

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so
they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "panty stitcher, I sew the
elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs".

The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week
unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, "diesel
fitter". Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
$160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel
fitters' are skilled labour.

What skill"? yelled Paddy "I sew the elastic on the panties and the
thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says, Yep, diesel fitter."

[retired2]

While examining a female patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart,
lungs, pulse and BP are fine.

Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The woman immediately started taking off her clothes….. The doctor, stopping her said: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."-

[retired2]

Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks "Wit all dem lawsuits going on,
I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action? I
hears dat people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause dey got
cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause dey got
demselves fat and all kinds of stuff."

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers...

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all dem ugly
women I woke up wit!"

[retired2]

This is just too funny. Imagine how much time it took to make this.




It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Ontario,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.

[retired2]

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the worship service to be continued.

[retired2]

LEROY OF DETROIT

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

[retired2]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

[retired2]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.



2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the sob’s name.



3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.



4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.



Bonus:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.



A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[retired2]

The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"


"Yes," he answered.


She asked, "Does it work?"


"Yes," he answered.


She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"


"I can, if I take two," he replied.

[retired2]

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT




One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[Rick Wisson]

I like the last one.

[retired2]

Sorry you didn't like the others

[Sponsored content]