Summary of Life

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Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Choose your cereal by its color
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk-a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise.. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is. . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is. .. . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 80 success is . ... Having friends.
At age 90 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

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An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!



Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:



- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies
(adults, not children, are in charge).



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers
for doing the job that they themselves had failed
to do in disciplining their unruly children.



It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.



Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.



Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself
from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.



Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

-and by his son, Reason.



He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I'm A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who
makes the Best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from Toronto , says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Montreal, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon, from Saskatchewan , says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best!
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Vancouver chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa ,
shut them all up when he observed:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

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My Dog's Secret...
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...
I think my dog might be a Canadian Senator!

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The blonde girl...

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today,
and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today,
and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,
and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,
but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.



"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

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