I want to be a movie star

[retired2]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.



FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny)..............

[retired2]

Love the Scotsman’s way of thinking




A major international company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed
their search
Down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24
Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side
with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the
woman's back.

What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers. The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have
it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

[retired2]

The Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you
know we got the cow from Scotland?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Scotland!"

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