Good morning all you happy people

[retired2]

Well, he was doing alight, till the end....lol...


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE:
"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do..."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence--

HUSBAND:
"Shit."

[retired2]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase...


"You Gotta Be Shittin Me"?


Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of the USA, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.


There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.


Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.


Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.


Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.


What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.


General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.


The door swung open and, much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful woman.


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.


Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately in need of warmth and comfort."


Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"


Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."


And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me."

[growler]

i'd ......a .....said ohhhh....shit !
just before she pulled the trigger !

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AFTER THE FIRST ONE !

R-2 IS TO FAST FOR ME ?
 

[retired2]

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny!


From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher...

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...
(Scroll on down.)



African Elephant
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on Phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

[retired2]

Those of us who spend time in a doctor's office will understand. Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin:




Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.


Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.



Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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