Kinda reminds me of Retired.

[Rick Wisson]

An elderly man in Floridahad owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[retired2]

Ammo is getting scarce! This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[retired2]

Ramblings of a retired mind







I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.


I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'

Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.

They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[retired2]

Subject: The Haircut
> A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
> father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
>
> His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
>
> "You bring your grades u p from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
> little, and get your hair cut.
>
> Then we'll talk about the car."
>
> The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
> offer, and they agreed on it.
>
> After about six weeks his father said,
>
> "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have
> been studying your Bible,
>
> but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
>
> The boy said,
>
> "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
> studies of the Bible that:-
>
> Samson had long hair,
>
> John the Baptist had long hair,
>
> Moses had long hair,
>
> and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
>
>
>
> (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
> "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[retired2]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS LINDA , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED LAWTON HIGH SCHOOL.

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A WOLVERINE,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1962. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALDING,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

[Rick Wisson]

THE SCOTTISH
> > COW
> > The only cow in a small town
> > in Ireland stopped giving
> > milk,The town folk found they
> > could buy a cow in Scotland quite
> > cheaply,So, they brought the cow over
> > from Scotland . It was absolutely
> > wonderful.It produced lots of milk
> > every day and everyone was
> > happy.Then they bought a bull to
> > mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they would never
> > have to worry about their milk supply
> > again.They put the bull in the
> > pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mate
> > with the cow, the cow would move
> > away,No matter what approach the
> > bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was
> > never able to do the
> > deed.The people were very upset
> > and decided to talk to the
> > Vet.Whenever the bull tries to
> > mate with our cow, she moves
> > away.If he approaches from the
> > back, she moves
> > forward.When he approaches from the
> > front, she backs
> > off.If he attempts it from the
> > side, she walks away to the other
> > side.The Vet rubbed his chin
> > thoughtfully.After pondering for a while,
> > he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from
> > Scotland ?"The people were dumbfounded,
> > since they had
> > nevermentioned that they had
> > brought the cow from Scotland
> > ."You are truly a very
> > intelligent Vet", they
> > said,"How did you know the
> > cow came from Scotland
> > ?"The Vet replied with a very
> > distant look in his
> > eye,"My wife's from
> > Scotland "
> >

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