Buying a bathing suit.......

[retired2]

When I was a child, in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of PlayDoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
*****************

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future

Today someone asked me if I liked you.

I laughed, and I said, "Ha! That's funny!! I LOVE that chick!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email & I love her!!"

Send this to five ladies you love!!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

[retired2]

The Rugged Outdoor Woman
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through
some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".

[retired2]

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..
~ George Brett


3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope


17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

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