Senator Mike Duffy

[retired2]

*The Haircut.....*****

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then Senator Mike Duffy came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Senator
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.

*And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the money grabbing useless Senators.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour. Nothing bad
will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that
laughter is not in your future nor an honest Senator.****

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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
___________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
___________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
___________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
___________________________________________

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
___________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


__________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


__________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[retired2]

No one believes seniors . . .. everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Andy said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!







And Then:

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[retired2]

It's going to be my motto from here on in!

My bathroom is, henceforth, called the 'Jim'!

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