The Ex-wife

[retired2]

The Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't.“

[retired2]

How Women Mess Up Men


I used to be like this...

Then I met a girl...

She was like this...

Together, we were like this...

I gave her gifts like this...

When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...

I used to talk to her all night like this..

And at the office I used to do this...

When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this...

And I used to react like this..

But on Valentine’s Day,
she received a red rose from someone else like this...

And she was like this…

And I was like this…

Which later led to this...

and this...

I felt like doing this...

So I started doing this...

NOW look at me…

DAMN GIRLS!

And now I am back to doing this!

And I don't care if I do go blind!!

[retired2]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweets to all the children and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got tae be f****n' dead"


Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...

[retired2]

Free Sex

Irish Petrol Station
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

[retired2]

IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
The agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
Of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
From the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
Out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
Railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the
Door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
Agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
There, spread out upon the kitchen table were
Literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
This world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
Towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
Edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
With a wooden spoon .........
..........

.........

Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[growler]

is that why my wife bought gas at the same place all the time ?
she always said she knew she was lucky after getting a fill up,and i thought she just got a good price!

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