Medical examination

[retired2]

Medical examination..........

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

[retired2]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, “D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?”

The doctor says, “Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.”

So he examines him and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords...”

The guy says, “Wwwat cccan we ddo?”

The doctor advises, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy says, “Dddeal....Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, “Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on”

The doctor says, “P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal

[retired2]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was
severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

[retired2]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker



Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he
cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[retired2]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:

"pour some Luke warm water over it."


Wife texts back:

"computer completely f***Ed now."

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