DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA - HILARIOUS!!!!

[retired2]

Course language included

Laughing my arse off this is a must read.

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA - HILARIOUS!!!!
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home
in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool
yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned
car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like
back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before
I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to
the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to
order parts from fucking Perth ......The wife & the kids
are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the
pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost
$1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees,
but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you
today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over,
my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like
baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat
on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my
legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking
recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and
the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms
might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are
the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a
dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you
today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me
out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live
here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!

[retired2]

You Gotta Love the Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
ababab
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
ababab

Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
ababab

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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You will love these....you just never know where they come from.




HAVE
A GOOD
LAUGH. BUT STAY...............

THEY ABOUND APLENTY IN OUR NEIGHBOUR HOOD

Number One Idiot.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot.

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They were successful i n getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly
after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, ?Put all your muny in this bag.?

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo
teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,? OK? and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he re
ceived
a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, ?Because I don't believe you are over 21.?

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The
robber
then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ?Nobody move!?

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven.

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was m
ade of
Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight.

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road...

The reason: ?Too many deer are being hit by cars out here ! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.?

Take the sign - Please!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... they Vote and I'm sure that many of them hold elected offices.

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KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name..
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan, you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' The son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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