my pet chicken

[retired2]

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "Im sorry," The girl tells him. "We cant allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, dont worry about it...youve seen one, youve seen them all." Madge says, "I KNOW...but this ones eating my POPCORN!!"

[retired2]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf Buggy......



Elizabeth, a very attractive
and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"




"It’s Jack, and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget
your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help
you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of
you, "I answered,”but I don't
think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on, "Elizabeth
insisted."
She was very pretty and persuasive.


"Well okay, "I finally agreed,..... "but my
wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and.....er.....er
some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a
smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Under the Buggy!" I said.

[retired2]

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do? "The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do? "The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour.

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