This is true!!!!

[retired2]

This is true!!!!



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed.

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Little Johnny & the Premier of Ontario


Premier Dalton McGuinty was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.


They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Premier if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.


So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.


'No,' said McGuinty, 'that would be an accident.'


A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


'I'm afraid not,' explained McGuinty. 'That's what we would call great loss.'


The room went silent. No other children volunteered. McGuinty searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'


Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. McGuinty was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'


'Fantastic!' exclaimed McGuinty. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be a f****** accident either'.

[growler]

johnny is a smart little f-----* isn't he ?

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

[growler]

and as in #5 it makes you forget your troubles for a while then you've got such a headache later you figurre things will get better

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