I'm pregrant

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Welcome home! You've been missed!

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Thought you might be interested in this ...

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked
magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".


This should make us giggle every time we hear the word "Olympics"!!! LOL

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Brilliant
I had no idea. You learn something every day.
This is much simpler than I thought !
How BOOBS Got Their Name





No need to thank me,

Just trying to keep friends informed and educated.

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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare,
to get him to paint their likeness.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says ‘tis okay. I'll paint ya in
da nude alright, but can I at least leave me socks on so I has a
place to wipe me brushes?

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THE HISTORY OF PROFILING

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo . He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out
over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said
: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years

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Emergency Advice

If you use medication for erectile dysfunction and have an erection lasting more than four hours immediately go to this


http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0dNI2Ge0slbxP/x610.jpg

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Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:
I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it
********************

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************

If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
********************

My weight is perfect for my height--
which varies.
********************

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS

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Somehow this makes complete sense!!



No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between
the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
but there is a big difference.


When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

End of story

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."


It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."


He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,


She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife..."



His funeral service will be held next Monday!

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WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People --


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier.

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Some Senior Thoughts





God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:



1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter



19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........

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VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

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