What's the difference

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What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver when they engage in their sport?

With a golfer you hear "splat" followed by "oh sh@t!"

With a sky diver you hear "oh sh@t!" followed by "splat."

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The following exchange is said to have occurred between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

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Re: July Humour 2012

Unread postby Shakespeare » Wed Jul 25, 2012 9:49 pm
A Letter from Camp







Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster-, so he’ll let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?


I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

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In the week leading up to Canada Day, I was eating lunch with a friend and her 6-year-old granddaughter.
She was pretty animated as she talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, "What special day is coming soon on July 1st?"

She said "Canada Day". She's a smart kid. So, I asked....

"What does Canada Day mean?"

Waiting for her reply with something about the flag, Confederation etc. She replied.......

"Canada Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Parliament Building ,
and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment !!!" ........

you know, - it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs.. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch

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there is a weird new trend going around at work. All the food in the fridge has names on it. Today, I had a tuna sandwich named Dennis and a salad named Karen.

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A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn, sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes," she replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him "yes" and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."
"You won’t be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left."

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IF THEY HAD HAD A JEWISH MOTHER



MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"



CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."



MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?

Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"



NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket now and show me!"



ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"



GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"



ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"



MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"



BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"



BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

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ODE TO THE SPELL CHECKER

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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