I can have sex at 79

[retired2]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street so I don't have to cross the road!

[retired2]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'

[retired2]

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT!
Smile

The Royal Canadian Mint announced that they are going to take
the polar bear off the toonie, and replace it with two gay deer...

Instead of calling it a "toonie", it will then be called " two f***ing bucks . "

[retired2]

There is a weird new trend going around at work. All the food in the fridge has names on it. Today, I had a tuna sandwich named Dennis and a salad named Karen.

[retired2]

An airline with attitude.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[retired2]

A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn, sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes," she replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him "yes" and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."
"You won’t be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left."

[retired2]

Love #2

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[retired2]

The Polite Way to excuse one's self to go and Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:


'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said :'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted

[retired2]

IF THEY HAD HAD A JEWISH MOTHER



MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"



CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."



MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?

Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"



NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket now and show me!"



ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"



GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"



ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"



MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"



BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"



BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

[retired2]

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to

do such thing is please not to read this notice.



In a Surat hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret

that you will be unbearable.



In a Baroda hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.



In a hotel in Jamnagar :

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9

and 11 A.M. daily.



In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.



Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:

Drop your trousers here for best results.



In a Bhavnagar hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex

in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this

purpose.



In a Anand laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time..



In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.



Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :

Would you like to ride on your own ass?



In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.



In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:

Specialist in women and other diseases.



In a Bharuch hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

[retired2]

ODE TO THE SPELL CHECKER

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.