My BIG mistake

[retired2]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "It's WALES you friggin' IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"





That's all I remember.....

[retired2]

This is something to think about when negative people

are doing their best to rain on your parade.


So remember this story the next time someone who knows

nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.



And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

[retired2]

Wal-Mart Song



I suppose it was just a matter of time before this was all set to music. So here it is! Turn Up The Volume!

Wal-Mart finally has a theme song!



https://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A?version=3%22%3E%3Cparam

[retired2]

[retired2]

Grandpa's:
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. 'Why' my Grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandpa, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly and said to him, "all Grandpas know stuff. It's on the Grandpa Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandpa." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandma". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

[retired2]

The Dreaded Call:


My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

[retired2]

TICK WARNING




Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT - THIS IS A SCAM!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday...I feel so stupid.

[kishgo]

I fell for it too......but the Inspector was so darned good looking!

[retired2]

Better then my avatar???

[retired2]

ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

[retired2]

[retired2]

FORGOT MY GLASSES....



Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.


She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start Jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

Now I'm in real trouble and don't know what to do!



I signed up for FIVE JUMPS a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

[retired2]

During a commercial airline flight a retired Pilot was seated next to

a young mother with a babe in arms.



When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother

began breast feeding the infant as discreetly as possible.



The Pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking,



he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.







When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,

"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"



Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said

that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in

the baby's ears.



The ex-Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed:

"And all these years......I've been chewing gum."

[kishgo]

@retired....my inspector didn't take off his shirt so I can only speculate that he was equally as in shape!

[growler]

i thought they were picketing about the changes to the pogey cheques ?

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