Twice a week
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Twice a week
by retired2 Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:59 am
Twice a week
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Twice a week
by retired2 Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:00 am
It's those blondes again
> Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
> The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
>
> One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
> "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
> "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."
> "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
>
> Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
> The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
>
> A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
> "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
> "Ten," said Buffy.
> So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
> "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
>
> A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
> The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
> The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one
>
>
> Blonde Interview
> The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
> The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
> Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
> The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
>
> One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
> "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
> "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."
> "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
>
> Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
> The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
>
> A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
> "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
> "Ten," said Buffy.
> So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
> "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
>
> A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
> The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
> The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one
>
>
> Blonde Interview
> The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
> The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Twice a week
by retired2 Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:11 am
TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT,SASK.(( A~TRUE~STORY.))
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT?TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on.Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce.So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting
the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick ofdynamite as far away as possible.Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!!Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of
speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused then continues on.Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the Navigator touches the
dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the Navigator and takes off after his master.Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!The Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing
there with...... 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
NOT COVERED by the policy.He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...In case you are wondering...The dog is okay.Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND?////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT?TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on.Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce.So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting
the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick ofdynamite as far away as possible.Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!!Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of
speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused then continues on.Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the Navigator touches the
dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the Navigator and takes off after his master.Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!The Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing
there with...... 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
NOT COVERED by the policy.He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...In case you are wondering...The dog is okay.Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND?////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Twice a week
by retired2 Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:11 am
Teacher/Student
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
___________________
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