too true to be funny

[retired2]

Almost too true to be funny, but funny anyway! Well, sorta...

> An elderly gentleman
> had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
> doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
> hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
>
> Two elderly gentlemen
> from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
>
> An elderly couple
> had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
> changing out of her hospital gown.'
>
> Couple in their nineties
> are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it.'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
>
> A senior citizen
> said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
> Three old guys
> are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a
> beer..'
>
> A man
> was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
> ' Twelve thirty..'
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[retired2]

Definitely a Dog Lovers story………..
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. > > “Human > beings are
the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the > teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, > Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F**k Off!,'
the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room

[observer]

A little old lady , well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."



"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

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