The Lone Ranger, Tonto & Silver.

[retired2]

The Lone Ranger, Tonto & Silver.

The Lone Ranger & Tonto walked into a saloon for a Beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do . . Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know, that your horse is about dead!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off
running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon, to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the
eye and says . . . .

Wait for it . . .


Wait for it . . .






Nothing . . . .

but you left your injun runnin'.

[retired2]

Dillerisms

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller



Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller



Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller



The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller



Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller



A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller



I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller



Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller



Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller



We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller



Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller



The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron. -Phyllis Diller



His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller



Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller



My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me. -Phyllis Diller



I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. -Phyllis Diller



Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller



I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' -Phyllis Diller



The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller



You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller --

[retired2]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna.

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift..
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

[retired2]

Love those Newfies







A cowboy and a Newfie go into a pastry shop in north Edmonton.

The cowboy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The cowboy says to the Newfie, "You see how clever we are? You Newfies can never beat that!"

The Newfie says to the cowboy, "Watch dis, any Newfie is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which Newfie promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Newfie eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells,
"OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"


The Newfie says....
" Now look in the cowboy's pocket!"

[retired2]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, do you really think so?

-------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



Did I read that right?

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