THE GOLFING NUN

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THE GOLFING NUN



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister ?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'



'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'




'I seem to recall that,' said Mother Superior. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing ?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today !'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it !'





'Well, we were on the fifth tee - and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.




And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'





'Oh my !' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate. But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister !'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway !'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme !' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother !' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself, eh. And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws.'



'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup !'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said . . .





'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you ?’

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Two factory workers are talking.


The woman says, 'I can make the boss give me the day off.'


The man replies, 'And how would you do that?'


The woman says, 'Just wait and see.' She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.


The boss comes in and says, 'What are you doing?'


The woman replies, 'I'm a light bulb.'


The boss then says, 'You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.'


The man starts to follow her and the boss says, 'Where are you going?'


The man says, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

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Only a farm kid...





When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No, he went with Mom and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".


The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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Good old Italians.....


NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A double decker bus stops in London and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The English lady can't take this anymore, "You foul - mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi .'

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!cid_part1_01040503_06010808@netscape

What
deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I
sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and
the drink facilitated some deep thinking.



My
wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The
reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she
would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that
men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other
questions.



Finally
I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than
getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is
way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Well,
after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A
year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice
to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my
case.



Time for another
beer.

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