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THE DEFINITION OF "SERVICE":

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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:23 pm



THE DEFINITION OF "SERVICE":

I become confused when I see the word "Service" used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable T.V. "Service".
5, Civil "Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today, I overheard two 2 farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

"Now I understand what all those agencies are doing".

I hope that YOU are now just as enlightened as I am.
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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:23 pm


Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup
pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City
Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"
but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the
bells.
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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:24 pm



NEVER CHEAT ON A CANADIAN FARM WOMAN!


A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in
Bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne
Of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales
Of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door
And into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly
And removed the handle. Next she picked up an old
Carpenter's' saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in
Her husband's hand and said ........

"Nope....You are!

I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:25 pm

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at ya!"
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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:25 pm

Little Walter

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have five questions:"

+First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
+Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?"
+Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
+Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
+Fifth, "Who in the HELL traded 5 terrorists we captured that was our main source of Taliban information for one chicken shit deserter?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.
+First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
+Second, "And What the hell happened to Walter?"
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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:29 pm


Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.







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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:30 pm



These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends

And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.


CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.


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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:35 pm

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."



After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and
listen."



A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"



Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"


Work Hard, Do Your Best, Keep Your Word,
Never Get Too Big For Your Britches,
Trust In God and Never Forget a Friend

AMEN

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Post by retired2 Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:36 pm

Gardening with grandma



GARDENING WITH GRANDMA
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen
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