It'll come back to ya.

[retired2]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said,

'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

[retired2]

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck

owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus

"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded
my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
down da road...

"The lawyer interrupted again and said,

"Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

"By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said to
the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow,
Bessie.

"Sven said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and
hit me trailer right in da side by golly.

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I
knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right
between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, How are you feelin?'" "Now wot da fock vud you say?"

[retired2]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."


He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'


I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered,
'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[retired2]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ....."





Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...

There will be Hell to pay later!

[retired2]

Proud Canadian



A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.
The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

[retired2]

Humor for the day...
>
> A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
> A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
> The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
> He replied, "They had avocados."
> If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
> My work is done here.
> ----------------------------------------------------- Water in the carburetor
> WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
> HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
> WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
> HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
> WIFE: "In the pool"
>
> THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
> 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
> That's scary.
> It means 75% are running around untreated.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> HE MUST PAY...
>
> Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
> Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
> >> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
> From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
> Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed .
>

[retired2]

-SENTENCE in an Irish Court



The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"


The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"


The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[retired2]

A perfect day to pass this one along...



When I got off work, it was snowing heavily and blowing to
the point that visibility was almost zero. I made my way to
the car and wondered how I was going to get home. I sat in
the car while it warmed up and thought about my situation.
I remembered my wife's advice that if I got caught in a
blizzard, I should wait for a snowplow to come by and
follow it. That way I would not have to worry about going
off the road or getting stuck in a snow drift.

Sure enough, in a little while, a snowplough went by and
I pulled out and began to follow it. As I followed along
behind the snowplough, I felt quite comfortable and smug as
we continued on our way and I was not having any problem
with the blizzard or road conditions. After some time had
passed, I was somewhat surprised when the snowplough
stopped.
The driver got out of the cab and came back to my car.
He signalled me to roll down my window and asked if I was
all right, as I had been following him for a long time.
I said that I was fine and told him of my wife's advice
to follow a plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver
replied it was okay with him and that I could continue
to follow him if I wanted, but he wanted me to know that
he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going er to Canadian Tire next.

[retired2]

The History of the Middle Finger:



Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[retired2]

Look at it this way………..




If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK).

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, Liberal Democrats have now begun to campaign with the slogan:- "Vote NO, for FUK's sake!"

They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this

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