Man Rules

[retired2]

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.






These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!







1. Men are NOT mind readers.



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!



1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one



1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..



1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A co lour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is?




1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.




1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .




1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[retired2]

Wisdom from Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.


When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washing', ironing', cooking' and scrubbing'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."


Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day........and keep Laughing! It's good for the soul .


And remember my motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, RED WINE in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a wonderful day!


And pay the undertaker with a bad check.

[retired2]

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN
Smile, Regardless of Age or Gender You Know It's True.
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

[retired2]

Book Report-Too funny!!!

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99


Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read


Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

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