New Definitions

[retired2]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
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CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
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CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
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COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
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INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
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MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
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RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
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SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
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SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
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TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
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TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
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YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
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and MY Favourite!!
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WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
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[retired2]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of

judgment.



As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right

through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to

Satan who threw them into the burning pit.



But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan

Would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.



After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the

best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.



"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said: "I'm waiting in line for

judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people

aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"



"Oh those" Satan groaned: "They're all from Ontario. They're still too

cold and wet to burn."

[retired2]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '
"Hello ?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
’May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No ..' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
‘Yes she's out in the garden too’


‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the ‘No’ ..
'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '

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